Saturday, March 29th at 1pm

Location: Masquerade Music Festival

You’re Bacon Me Crazy.


By Liz and John Attaway

With a short cover of Closing Time renamed “Pooping Time” and the distinct smell of bacon in the air, Baconfest 2014 kicked-off with a few rolling clouds, light sprinkles, and all the bacon you could eat. Despite feeling like the Wicked Witch of the West in my greenish CW poncho fearing the

rain might melt me into a puddle (ok, the rain wasn’t bad); the festival was one of the best festival experiences you can have in Atlanta. It was all about the bacon, beer, and carnival shenanigans. Whether you had Portioned Porking, Go Whole Hog, or Bottomless Bacon there was 2,250 pounds of grease-laden bacon and BLTs to partake in and don’t forget the PBR. But, this festival had it all.

What is “all”, you ask? Let me give you a very short list of the attractions in no particular order: Hobo Wine Tasting, Prize “Wheel,” Karen’s Kompliments, Wynatte Flip Cup Tournament, Scavenger Hunt, Kissing Booth, Dr. Boobies, Baconatrix, PBR’s Human Fest, Mini Roast, In Your Face Painting, Thimblerig Circus, Blast Off Burlesque, Seed and Feed Marching Band, an adult bouncy house, and more. How was that? All that being said not only did you get to enjoy entertainment on stage from silly songs to circus side shows and bands to burlesque, but there was so much to do you don’t even know where to start.
So let’s start with my favorite and one of the biggest attractions: the Hobo Wine Tasting. Warning: whatever you do, don’t try these at home.  From the minds of the Euclid Yacht Club, the group was offered three types of Hobo Wine: Wild Irish Rose, Thunderbird, and some sugary strawberry crap. Not one of them was worth standing in line for but all together they were the trifecta of yuck. Top them off with some canned cheddar cheese and off-brand crackers and you get Hobo Wine Tasting. It was all the way around delightful probably to Hobos only. The other big attraction was the Prize “Wheel.” Some of the coveted prizes included a wrestler hug, a high five, some musical accompaniment, and don’t forget the PBR swag. While we were waiting in line, there was a downpour and the wrestler got drenched, so by the time we got up to the front we were all crossing our fingers that we didn’t have to endure a wrestler hug. Especially once we saw him pick up one guy and carry him around. What if I landed in the mud and got gross wrestler sweat on me? Luckily, we made out pretty good with PBR wristbands, a PBR t-shirt (that was worn as a cape), and some bacon temporary tattoos. Did I mention the PBR t-shirt that was worn as a cape? The PBR people thought it was awesome and stopped to take a picture of him.

This content is rated PG-13. Proceed with caution. What is that on your face? I couldn’t help but spew a little bit of beer out my nose as I passed droves of people with genitalia on their faces. From pink and purple penis to vaginas and everything in between, the Naughty Face Panting people were not shy about showing their uh-hem… stuff off to everyone who would look.

My favorite had to be the head penis that ran ear-to-ear.  I think the number of guys with these naughty bits on their face was the most in the history of the world. Couldn’t they just have painted bacon? The fun didn’t stop there: they were also giving away spankings via the Baconatrix. People lined up to get three licks like they were Tootsie Pops. It was quite risqué. Finally, things got a little hot when the police took the stage and gave us a little strip tease. No, not the real police, but the Blast Off Burlesque that stripped down to their shorts and t-shirts.
What would any good festival be without the obligatory band but I’m happy to report this one was a mish-mash of horns, drums, dancers, and furries(!) that joined to bring us Seed and Feed Marching Band. It was a different spin on your typical festival band/marching band. I talked to one of the members and they said they have been around 40 years and they are celebrating their 40th year by leading the Inman Park Parade this year. I promised I would put in a plug to see them as this will be their biggest and best showing yet. It’s going to be hilarious!
With everything going on, how could you get all that bacon and beer in? It was possible and I walked away feeling full and swearing off bacon and PBR for at least 24 hours. Until then, the meat sweats will continue and the happy memory of Baconfest will linger on.